Moravian Lives

and as my poor Heart, notwithstanding its Corruption was always 
soften'd and my Eyes swam in Tears whenever I read of Jesus Suffring
for the Sins of the World, I felt the same Emotion at reading these Hymns
and had a desire to hear more of these people, and this I obtain'd
by means of my dear deceased Uncle Councellor  Counselor Engelbach who
was in Connexion  Connection with the Brn: I intreated him to send a Br.
to me and in the year 1749 Old Brother Gold came at My Request
to my House on his Journey thro  through Our City. This Simple Country
Man was a great Blessing to me. He look'd cheerful and happy, that
I was not, and myself made confidence in Jesus Merrits  Merits would not
stand the Test, nor quiet the uneasiness of my heart. After this
the Brn: freqeuntly calld to see me and when they was gone my
Conclusion was I am not like them, I do not know our Saviour.
I wept and pray'd and conferr'd with my Colleague Pastor Reinold but
receiv'd poor comfort, often I stretch'd myself in the Dust and
beg'd our Saviour to look graciously on me, but in the Midst
of my groans and Lamentations it was as tho  though a Voice within me said
arise, you are not in Earnest, If I give you Honour, and leave you
in your High Life, then I may be your Saviour of choice, but it
would not suit you to forgo all things for my sake, so as I have
for your sake. I felt the Truth of this Reproach, and must be
Silent. Mean time the uneasiness of my Soul still increas'd
I began to mourn and lament again, but as it allways  always turns
out Fruitless; the Enemy put it in my Mind that I was a 
cast away, our Saviour neither would, nor could be Merciful
to such a sinner. This went so far that I was actually be=
=tween Atheism and Desperation. I could no longer Pray
but wherever I turn'd cried out: Oh Jesu Oh Jesu! The 26th
of October 1744 when my distress seemd to be at the highest 
Pitch, I was reading the French News Paper, and all at once
I was struck with these words which seemd as tho  though they was
spoke in my heart: canst thou read that, and hast no
                                                                            Saviour
                                                                                   This

[page break]

This shock'd me so, that I let the Paper fall out of my Hands and
fell after it to the Earth. I had no utterance for words, but wept
for Mercy, and gave myself intirely  entirely up to our Saviour without
the least limitation, that with me he might do, whats pleasing
in his sight, and from me take whatere  whatever he will, whatere  whatever he
thinks not right. To me it was as tho  though I then receiv'd permission
to kiss the Prints of the Nails in his sacred Feet! I felt a Di=
=vine assurance of the forgiveness of my Sins, and the covenant I then
made, is still sure and firm, my heart is no longer mine, but His.
I shall not say much of what follow'd this change. The want of
a true poor Sinner heart often caus'd me to commit great failings.
The Awaken'd Souls keeping to me, Brought on me the displeasure of the
School Master, My Colleague, the Mayor of the City and all the Mages=
=tracy of the Lutheran Side, One Honest Councellor  Counselor excepted. The
Process at Strassburg D.r Froereisen would have me turn'd out of my
Office by the Civil Magistrates, and so it went on, till the year 1748.
Mean time our Saviour gave me more oppertunitys  opportunities of becoming acquainted
with the Brn: and in the year 1747 I made a 12 days visit at
Herrnhaag to my great Blessing. I was soon convinced that I be=
=longed to this People, but how, or when, my dear Saviour would
bring me thither, that I did not dare to Consider on, this I knew;
it must thro  through a Miracle, otherwise it could not come to Pass. After
this Blessed Visitation, the Enemy grew more inraged  engraged, and I became
a detestation to the whole City except the Awakend Souls; but my
heart was chearful  cheerful and happy, I supplicated and obtain'd of my
dear Lord a Promise, which was a great Consolation to me. In Au=
=gust 1749 my dear Wife took to her Bed, and in this her last Ill=
=ness she felt she was a wretched Sinner, begd for Mercy and openly
confess'd she had sought the World more than our Saviour, and
fell asleep with this fervent wish: Shelter my Soul most gra=
=ciously within thy open'd Side; In the 36 year of her age.
                                                                                     As